Nelson County Rocks

As Christmas approached, Monika had two main goals: to make it through Christmas with her family here, and to make it past 2013 (which quite apart from her numerological superstitions, had obviously been a terrible year healthwise).  She accomplished both goals, but her health began to deteriorate rapidly on January 8th, and she died peacefully, surrounded by family, in the early morning hours of Friday, January 17th.

  

Much to her delight, Monika’s sisters Sigi and Sissi flew in from Germany in mid-December for a short but intense visit of four days.  The three sisters gabbed late into each night and had a wonderful time together.  Among other things, Monika and I took them to the Tye River suspension bridge, Crabtree Falls, and Sarah and Hal Loken’s home, which in addition to Sarah’s nature photographs, offered a breathtaking view of the Blue Ridge mountains.

  

  

And then came Christmas week, when Monika was reunited with her three older grandchildren (now in their late teens or early 20’s) all together for the first time in some years.  Dan’s negotiating a brief leave from his robotics program in Portugal made this possible, and it was a wonderful reunion and Moni’s final Christmas.

  

  

  

  

In early January, Monika’s long-time friend Ursula arrived with her friend John.  They brought an incredible array of goodies as well as good cheer and assistance for a variety of things.  Monika was noticeably losing strength and function during this period, and it was great to have their help.

  

Monika hosted her Grace prayer shawl guild on January 7th in the living room.  The following night she experienced terrible cramping and pain, and began to lose strength and function rapidly.  Her prayer shawl guild serenaded her in her bedroom the following Tuesday.  Dave came down from Pennsylvania and helped a lot, and Nic and Alison came by.  Dan, Gina, and John subsequently arrived.  Monika’s friend Samantha came and played her lyre for Monika several times in that final week.  Monika died peacefully at 4:50 am on January 17th, surrounded by family and holding fast to the prayer shawl that the guild had made for her to the very end.

   

Throughout this period, Monika faced death with extraordinary courage and grace.

I miss her terribly, but am comforted to know that her death was seemingly painless and  peaceful.

I will always treasure our memories.

 

 The flow of loving and caring visitors has made our little place seem like a pilgrimage site at times: it’s been profoundly moving to see how many family and friends have found time to journey down to our “boonies” here to see Monika.  In the past month it’s been great to reconnect here with a number of former Rutgers colleagues: Julianne Baird and Ed Mauger, Ted Goertzel and his wife Linda, and Bill Whitlow.  Next in line: a German wave!

  

     
Tim and Megan helped us choose and harvest a tree at a tree farm near the Blue Ridge Parkway in Montebello and then decorate it back at our home.  Monika the next day made an advent wreath at Grace Church.  It’s impossible to overstate how much she looks forward to the arrival around Christmas of the three “grown” grandchildren/cousins: Cally, Danny, and Sylvia!

It’s been a wonderful time of family visits.  A week after the gathering of all five of our sons, their wives, and two grandchildren, Jim and Arlene flew in from Colorado and Eleanor, Justin & Katherine (recently engaged!!) arrived by train from New York City.  Highlights included eating together at home and at our two local breweries, the AT suspension bridge over the Tye River, Monika’s presenting Arlene with a prayer shawl she’d made, and hanging out with our flock of hens.

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Monika celebrating her 66th birthday with our five sons,
their wives, and her youngest two grandchildren (pictured
below exploring a straw fort and collecting eggs in the hen house)

 

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which happened to be Halloween

 

Last week an MRI showed that Monika’s kidney cancer had metastasized into her brain.  Few people in this condition apparently survive more than six months. Monika quickly made the decision to abandon the cancer treatment which has made her feel cold and sick most of the time and to enter a hospice program.  She retains a commitment, however, to trying to beat the usual odds.

As in earlier stages of this “journey,” the outpouring of support from family and friends has been deeply moving.  Monika’s youngest son Dave came down within days, and built the ramp shown above from the garage into the laundry/mudroom, so that Monika would not have to negotiate the steps there.   Next week our sons and their families (and three dogs) will converge to celebrate Monika’s birthday.

The amazing thing is that just four days after getting the diagnosis of brain cancer, Monika feels better than ever.  Having quit her cancer medication, she feels hugely better physically.  She is amazingly calm and accepting about this terrible turn of events; her bravery and spirit are truly impressive (I’m afraid I’m not quite as brave or calm about this as she).  She feels totally comfortable in her decision to go into hospice.  She is radiant.  In addition to all the support from family, she has been deeply moved by the way the local community is mobilizing to provide both of us with support of all sorts.  She has touched many hearts and now those are touching hers.  So strange as it may seem, and as bittersweet as it is, she appears to be feeling better and happier and more at peace than ever.

This morning, Monika hosted her weekly Grace prayer shawl knitting group at our home.  In the afternoon we enjoyed the fall foliage along the Rockfish River.  We remain committed to trying to live each day to the fullest, and to treasure the time we have together.

Much of our retirement life here in Nelson County has worked out pretty much the way we planned and expected.  We live simply and relatively cheaply.  We grow or raise much of our own food.  We are surrounded by gorgeous mountain views and countless smaller scale opportunities to observe nature.  We have reveled in our quiet and low-stress life.

Life in the Slow Lane

What we neither expected nor predicted was how quickly we would become deeply enmeshed in a variety of overlapping social networks that have connected us to a much larger and more diverse circle of friends and acquaintances then we ever had in our previous life in Cherry Hill.  In the process, our lives have taken new directions we never would have anticipated.  And in the aftermath of Monika’s cancer diagnosis this past January, we discovered we had in place just about the most wonderful support network one could hope for.  If one of us had to be ill, this was the place to be.

The process started with our neighbors, who welcomed us, helped take care of our chickens when we were away, provided nursing expertise at some scary moments, lent a tractor that saved the day in a well reconstruction project, taught us new card games,  and even introduced us to Superbowl parties (where we, who didn’t even know who was playing until we looked it up, had the blind luck to walk off with the bulk of the betting pool winnings).

Two neighbors down the main road a bit, Nancy and Phil Welker, connected us to two local institutions that otherwise would not have been on our horizon.  Phil took me early along to the Massies Mill Ruritan Club, a volunteer service organization that provides various local services (Saturday night dances, an annual and much-anticipated Carnival, food service at various county events, use of its building for weddings and other events, etc.) to raise money, much of which is then given back to the community in the form of college scholarships, and donations to local organizations and programs.

I confess my first encounters with the Club involved more than a little culture shock, but gradually our shared community concerns trumped most everything else.  So I joined and soon was maintaining the Club’s website and holding various offices in the organization.  One Ruritan friend helped us build our chicken coop, and numerous others have proved to be great resources and friends in all sorts of other ways.

Phil and Nancy Welker also introduced us to Grace Episcopal Church in nearby Massies Mill.  The church is small and strikingly beautiful inside, with an interior wooden “carpenter gothic” style.  The large alter window depicts the parable of the Good Samaritan, which in my view gets as close as anything to the positive core of Christianity.  Not being literal believers, we at first found aspects of Episcopalian liturgy to be rather uncomfortable.  But we also came to discern almost as many beliefs as there were members in this friendly and stimulating community.  And when a wonderfully dynamic new rector, Marion Kanour, took over in April 2013, the church blossomed even further into a haven for innovation, open-mindedness and social activism.

In the process we’ve come to understand that especially in rural areas, churches are more than anything communities and centers of social life, not rigid bastions of doctrinal beliefs.  We’ve found ourselves drawn to Grace for its embrace of tolerance and diversity, its love of shared good food and drink (including its weekly Thankful Thursday dinners and its Graceful Brewers Guild), its beautifully-melancholic Celtic evening service, and its nice mix of Nelson County old-timers and “transplants” like us.  We’ve rediscovered the pleasures of collective singing and quiet contemplation. Grace has become a comfortable new home for both of us, and a source of much appreciated support.

Back to Dave and Sue’s place in Pennsylvania in late July to see Monika’s kids and grandkids (with the exception of Danny in Portugal).

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(from our visit in September)

 

  

Just back from a two-week trip visiting the German side of the family, John, Calista, Cally and Sylvia came down from Maryland to report on their travels and to celebrate John and Calista’s double birthday (born on the same day in the same year, but on two different continents).  Cally and Sylvia helped Monika make a Black Forest Cherry Cake (recipe from our local friend Todd).  A great visit!